Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Me the Hermit

One of my blogger friends calls me a Hermit.

Definition of a Hermit

- A person who has withdrawn from society and lives a solitary existence; a recluse.

Maybe there is some truth in that statement. I could just sit at my apartment the whole day and not go out at all. I don't call anyone or sms anyone. I can just read my books or watch TV or play computer games or my PS2. Maybe I have conditioned myself this way.

I tried to think back when I started becoming a hermit..... it started when I went overseas to study. I was on my own most of the time and I learned to keep myself busy so that I don't think too much. The habit was further ingrained into my system when I started working as a houseman in Klang. During that one year I never saw sunrise or sunset. I got up at 530 am to go to work and would come back late at night. And this went for a year. I did not have a social life. I kept to myself coz I was just too tired to go out or my schedule was just too busy. I learned to keep myself so that I will not expect.

When I became a medical officer, the ingraining process continued as I could not run away from doing the 24 hours on calls and I was usually working on public holidays and weekends.... eventually people stopped calling me to hang out .... coz I was always not free. When I was free, they were working. Deep down I still wanna reach out and hang out with others ... to me I don't need a whole bunch of friends ... I don't believe in numbers but I do believe in quality. A handful of close friends is all I ask for. I wont go around making friendships which wont last. To me everyone is special in their own way .... and I do treasure friendships.

When I came to KL, I think it was when the ingraining process was set in stone. Outwardly I might be a bubbly person .. I look outgoing but inside... I think I have hidden myself under many layers of defense ... to protect myself. I force myself to stop expecting, to stop wanting because I will end up getting hurt anyway.... and my work schedule was not conducive.

That is why I can just sit at home during my holidays and not go out at all. Maybe it is better this way. I am tired of reaching out. So far it was all just empty promises and words from others. Words are cheap nowadays. We make promises which are meant to be broken. I have had my share of fall outs with close friends which until today I still can't figure out what has happened....but I learn to move on ... put on a brave front and move on but deep inside I am still hoping that someday somehow I will find some friends who will be there for me and that I can be there for them.... and that our words will matter and the promises made will be kept. Words without actions mean nothing nowadays. Maybe that is how I see people nowadays...... I see whether they mean what they say by their actions more than their words. I treasure friendships and I take it very seriously and I will be there for them but now I am learning to be more cautious..... to hold back a bit....because the layers of defense over the years are still holding me back....which is a protective mechanism.

Some people say that I hold back when I blog. In a sense there are some truth in it .... you never know who is reading your blog. And I believe in being prudent in whatever we share. Some things are best kept secret and for our own eyes only. Most of my blog entries are from the heart. I try to be as real as possible. And I prefer you to get to know me for who I am instead of just having a preconceived idea of who I am from the way I blog.

Yeah in sense maybe I have chosen to be a hermit.


Fable Frog said...

hermit isn't that bad~ just be who you are. Ya time is important to be close to others~ so do cherish all the free time you have~ ;) for your comfort, i am a hermit too :P

*Anton* said...

Agreed with Fable. Ultimately, you determine how you wanna lead your life. But since you've put that ur condition is more due to external factors, then please do allow yourself to go through the trials of friendship. Am sure you'll find some treasures along the way. :)

Stay true , stay sweet!^_^


Twilight Zone said...

I never bat my eyelid for whatever I blogged and I am least worried whether anyone reads or not. Like you, we just spoke from our hearts and the readers are free to pass comments. This era of new friendship making is really unique and super fast. So along the way might see some hiccups too but it's alright to learn from trials like what Anton had pointed out. Keep smiling dude!

fibrate said...

There's nothing wrong with being a hermit as long as you find fulfillment in the things you do. I love spending time alone, only being social when the occasion calls for it.

jerry maguire, jr. said...

i gez ur nice, cute Hermit. hehehe

sbanboy said...

Fable Frog
Really ah ?

Yup I do cherish the free time that I have

Yeah I hope I will find some treasures along the way

Twilight Zone

:) Yamcha in Seremban ?

jerry maguire

fibrate said...

Sure :)