Sunday, 16 September 2007

Me .... so far

It has been awhile since I shared about what had been going through my mind.  Many times people who meet me .... say I am so different from the way the I blog.  I think most of the time people think that I am in depression from the things I share in my blog and they are so surprised to finally see me in person.  I am also pleasantly surprised to find that there are people who do read my blog and I have a lot of silent readers ... and silent reader no 1 is Jimbo ...hehe ... he always tells me that even though he does not leave any comments ... he reads my blog.  Jimbo had always been a big brother who I am always proud of and honored to have known in my life.  

I guess it is different when I blog and when I am person.  Many times I chose to walk around with a smile on my face .... though inside there might be turmoil.  The fact that I have Jesus ..... He is my peace in the midst of storms.  Though I might share about what is troubling me ... I will always always turn back to Him Who alone is my firm foundation and the reason that I live each day.  

Well I think I have changed over the years.  The failures and the depression... the breakdowns .... which I had ... I used to question God about them ... had in fact made me stronger when I welcome them as friends and not as enemies.  I was so preoccupied in stopping the pain that I nearly closed my heart to what God was trying to do in my life.   Over the years ... I began to see that I will not have it any other way .... truly God alone knows how to break and mould me to become more like Jesus.  He chastens those who He loves .... I count it all joy.   He alone knows how to corner me so that I will face the demons and overcome instead of running away.  

My life had also been on a stand still since I started my masters.  Initially I had a different mindset towards this masters program..... every time I thought I will pass my exams ... it had ended as a blow to my ego and self confidence when I had failed.   Well I am finally going for my final attempt for my primary exams in November....if I fail I will be out of the masters program and if I pass I have another one and a half years before I sit for my final exams.  The 24 hour on call had been taking its toil on my body and health.  This year had seen me falling sick quite often though it had not dampened my spirit.  I am more forgiving of myself nowadays.  I welcome rest now so that I will be more refreshed for the upcoming task.  Last time I will be in so much guilt if I did not study for a day and sometimes that guilt can crippled.  So in the end ... it was all not wasted ..... my family had been commenting that I have changed.  I am more loving, more forgiving, more patient and most of all I am more gentle and forgiving to myself.

Yes time flies ..... sometimes it is due to our own mistakes or someone else's mistakes or wrong choices and bad things might happen ... but I believe that my life is in His hands ..... and nothing is wasted.  Life goes on.  And it is what we make of it.


poohbearee said...

Jesus will always walk the walk with u.

Btw, hope your eyes are better.

See u after your exams.


sbanboy said...

My eyes are better but still have the foreign body sensation inside

Yes He is walking with me ... Amen

Judy said...

Well said....once we understand that our life is in His hands, we find it easier to handle our downs.....but we are all human...we are allowed to be down but God reminds us that He is there for us and also down times make us focus on Him even more.

Is your eye better?

sbanboy said...

Thanks ... God is awesome

Eyes still itchy

CityLife said...

Do ur best
Let God do the rest.

Btw, it takes about 2-3 wks for the foreign body sensation of ur eyes to go off.