I guess it is different when I blog and when I am person. Many times I chose to walk around with a smile on my face .... though inside there might be turmoil. The fact that I have Jesus ..... He is my peace in the midst of storms. Though I might share about what is troubling me ... I will always always turn back to Him Who alone is my firm foundation and the reason that I live each day.
Well I think I have changed over the years. The failures and the depression... the breakdowns .... which I had ... I used to question God about them ... had in fact made me stronger when I welcome them as friends and not as enemies. I was so preoccupied in stopping the pain that I nearly closed my heart to what God was trying to do in my life. Over the years ... I began to see that I will not have it any other way .... truly God alone knows how to break and mould me to become more like Jesus. He chastens those who He loves .... I count it all joy. He alone knows how to corner me so that I will face the demons and overcome instead of running away.
My life had also been on a stand still since I started my masters. Initially I had a different mindset towards this masters program..... every time I thought I will pass my exams ... it had ended as a blow to my ego and self confidence when I had failed. Well I am finally going for my final attempt for my primary exams in November....if I fail I will be out of the masters program and if I pass I have another one and a half years before I sit for my final exams. The 24 hour on call had been taking its toil on my body and health. This year had seen me falling sick quite often though it had not dampened my spirit. I am more forgiving of myself nowadays. I welcome rest now so that I will be more refreshed for the upcoming task. Last time I will be in so much guilt if I did not study for a day and sometimes that guilt can crippled. So in the end ... it was all not wasted ..... my family had been commenting that I have changed. I am more loving, more forgiving, more patient and most of all I am more gentle and forgiving to myself.
Yes time flies ..... sometimes it is due to our own mistakes or someone else's mistakes or wrong choices and bad things might happen ... but I believe that my life is in His hands ..... and nothing is wasted. Life goes on. And it is what we make of it.