Monday, 30 October 2006

Back in 1988

Today is 30th October ..... tomorrow will be my birthday, another 13 days I will face the same exam again and another 25 days my brother will be married to the one he loves and cherishes. So many things wanna grab my attention this next few weeks .... but today on 30th October 2006 ... I remember that 18 years back I gave my heart away..... yup I gave my heart away to Jesus Who gave my back my life..... Who turned my life around .... so today I will look back at how far He has brought me and I look forward to walking tth rest of life with Him....the lover of my soul ... the One Who I adore and worship ... Amen.

Thursday, 26 October 2006

Will I find her one day ?

Picture taken with my 350D when I was having coffee with tukangtaip today at Kopitiam. Since he was snapping pictures with his S3 IS ... I thought I will snap along. 2 guys snapping away a bunch of roses .... haha ... it was fun.

Anyway back to what I wanna post about today. Today while driving back from work .... suddenly it hit me, that all the girls that I like, girls who I am comfortable with and who meets my criteria to be my special one .... have already been married or am already dating someone. Hmmm how come I am always a step too late. And these are the girls who can freeze me when they look into my eyes and I get tongue tied and am speechless.... and it happened to me again. There is this lady who I have just got to know very well recently. We can talk for hours. She is very independent and a very hands on kind of person. Feminine yet tough when the need arises. Always encouraging. Gentle at heart. Soft spoken. Never fussy. Just perfect .... and just the kind of girl I am looking for. When she looks at me... I am speechless. She is someone who I can never lie to ... someone who I can never say "no" to. But I guess I am a step too late again... she is already dating someone.

So there the story of my life ..... hopefully someday I will find her and I will not be too late.

Saturday, 21 October 2006

How badly do I want it ?

The holiday season is here. Happy Deepavali to all my Indian friends and Selamat Hari Raya to my Malay friends..... but I will be working during the holiday as usual. I will be working this Sunday and the coming Tuesday and also running rooms for the semi emergency cases as most of my friends "balik kampung" (travel back to hometown)....it has been a usual routine for me since I started working in the government hospital... but I do get my days off during Christmas and Chinese New Year.

Today I was posted in the PM shift in the Neuro OT... it is usually on Friday when the surgeons try to finish off the cases before the weekend. So today I took over a case of anuerysm. My shift started at 2 pm and will last until the case is completed...

Since my exams are nearing ... I have been receiving offers by the specialists for viva sessions .... yup GHKL is busy but we have some great people in the department. I am really glad and grateful for the guidance and help which had been offered by my specialists....we all work really hard.

As I was busy trying to write down the answer to a question given to me by my specialist .... in my mind .... only 3 weeks left .... there are still so many holes to plug up ... still so much to cover ... keep forgetting what I have read ages ago...... as I was trying to squeeze my brain for whatever juice was left in it ... my specialist suddenly walked up to me and said this " You must want it so bad ... you must want it so bad to be a specialist that you will do anything for it ... dont do it for your specialist or your family or anyone but YOURSELF..... coz if you dont want it bad enough, you will really struggle alot.

Suddenly a light just lit up in my mind .... like EUREKA !!!!!! ... I see the light .... I see the light. I thought of the times when I wanted something bad enough I will do anything just to get it ... I will make the effort..make the time .... and I will make the sacrifice and I will not settle for anything less...... then I started seeing myself in my current situation .... did I want to be a specialist so badly that I will do anything ... anything to be one ... or was it que sera sera .. whatever will be .. will be .... I did some soul searching ... realised that I have not placed a value to it in order for me to want it so badly. But right now .... after much thought ... yes I do want it badly ...... and the rest will follow .....what a relevation .... thank You Jesus ...

Thursday, 19 October 2006

More after November 2006 or it is the end ?

Hi guys .... sorry for the infrequent updates at my blog .... to tell you the truth .... dont know what to blog about nowadays as there are alot of things on my mind. The exams in November ... then my brother's wedding end of November..... then flying to Bangkok for the wedding (female side) ..... etc

Maybe after November will update more about what's happening in my life .... or maybe I will stop this blog ..... will think about it later end of November when I have more time on my hands ...

So thanks for dropping by ... take care and God bless

Signing off for now

Sunday, 15 October 2006

Because He lives


Because He lives

God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal, and forgive.
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain.
And then as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!

Lyrics: William and Gloria Gaither

A church to call home

Went to church today in KL .... and the sermon was about "Friendship".... I was sitting there and listening .....it is easy to preach but to actually put it into practice is another thing. Whenever I am free I will drive back home in Seremban to attend my church which I have been attending for about 18 years. Yup I have attended that church since I accepted Christ .... since He came and turned my world around .... yes He is the centre of my being...and always will be.

I have been trying to find a church to call home here in KL but after one and a half years I still have not found the church to call home. Most of the time I am on call working 24 hours in the hospital on the weekends ... if I worked on Saturday, I will try to go to church on Sunday morning but end falling asleep throughout the service as many times I only managed to catch a short nap during my on calls. The church back in Seremban ... the pastors and leaders ... by God's grace ... God had opened a door for me to serve as a cell group leader and also in the music ministry inspite of my busy work schedule ... that is because they had seen me grown all these years. When I first attended the church back home .. I was only a teenager. They were with me thick and thin when I was doing my grade 12 in Canada and later on medicine in India.

But today nearing the end of the service in KL.... someone came up to me and really gave it to me ...

It goes like this

Sis : Isk isk
Me : Why isk isk ? You should be happy to see me ... ( I gave a big smile )
Sis : Yeah but I can count the numbers that you attend church with my fingers
Me : I have been busy with my work and I was on call ( guess what - I am on call again next Sunday- duh ...that is why I do look forward to going to church to workship God and fellowship which I am not getting any here in KL ). When I am free I will go back home for the weekends to see my parents and attend church back home
Sis : I dont believe in long distance relationship. Why are you not attending cell group ?
Me : I am sorry I have been busy. Please understand. I go back home because I feel that I dont really fit in here
Sis : You are not making enough effort
Me : I think I have done what I can within my means ( the truth was I had called and sms to try to meet up with some of the members whenevr I was free but I guess we just did not click. In the end I decided that I will continue to attend church in KL to get the teachings and worship)
Sis : You are not making enough effort and when you are not here it is difficult to know you
Me : I am here during the weekdays ... we can contact via phone and sms and I have told you about my blog so that you will know what is happening in my life.
Sis : I am not into all these techno stuffs ( she used to send me encouraging emails ... but not anymore)
Me : Please understand
Sis : You need to attend here more often and also the cell group and not go back to your home church so often

(Does the number of times you attend church or cell group or whatever meetings makes u more Christian ??? Thank God He alone sees my heart and how I am trying to go to church whenever I have the opportunity)

There is more but I can only remember as it all happened so fast. To tell you the truth, it really cut real deep ..... and it makes me think ... I have been here in KL for about one and a half years and how many friends can I actually call up when I need brother/sister to pray with or just to fellowship or just to have a teh tarik with. I ended up having more friends from a photography forum that I have joined recently. Do Christians really make better friends or are we more hard on one another ??? Are we more indifferent to one another ? I am a stranger here in KL and still looking for a church to call my home....will you open up your heart to let me in ? To make me feel part of the clan/family.

My work had been hectic......having to study also is also another thing which demands my time. I miss my friends in Indian and back home whom I can be myself with ... with no mask ... no pretense ... I can just be myself ... with all my warts and all .... and I miss them so much.

But I am not in despair because in the end .. I do have a best friend and His name is Jesus ... the One who will stand by my side when the world turns its back on me. He had seen the lonely days, the longings in my heart, the hurts and because He loves me .... I can keep on loving and putting on a smile on my face ... because He loves me... yes that is the only reason... I am still attending this church in KL ... until He leads me to another church where I can grow and serve. Thank You Jesus.

Friday, 13 October 2006

You are loved (Don't give up)


You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) - Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy
I, I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I, I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I, I'll be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I, I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Aaaah
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard
You are loved



This song has been playing over and over again in my mind since I first heard it when I was driving to work one morning..... some of my friends have quit the masters program.....I was still contemplating about it initially .... not anymore.

This song was playing again today as I was still giving gas for my elective case ... it was already 630pm... I still have not done the pre operative rounds for the orthopaedic cases tomorrow. I have an appointment with a specialist for some viva practice. Normally I would have been thinking when will I be done so that I can get out of the hospital to go home. But today ... surprisingly ... I did not mind staying back to do the things that I like ... that I have a passion for ... yup you heard it right, the spark of passion is growing again..... God touched me deep inside last night .....

I was reading this book " A glimpse of Jesus" by Brennan Manning

Here is what he wrote :

During an extended silent retreat in Tampa, Florida, some years ago, I was reading the Scriptures in my room at the Franciscan Retreat Centre. The subtle dominion of self-hatred had returned, and I was back on the rollercoaster ride of perfectionist depression, neurotic guilt, and emotional instability. The despotic power of my idealized self and the nagging litany of "I should have, I could have, I ought to have, Why did I? Why did I?" had persuaded me that my life and minstry were vitiated by vanity, insensitivity, and self centredness.

At that very moment Jesus set me free.

Praying over the passage of the washing of the feet ( John 13:1-17), I was suddenly transported in faith into the Upper Room, where I took Judas' place among the Twelve. The Servant, Who had tied a towel round his waist, poured water from the a pitcher into a copper basin and reached out to wash my feet (the dress and duty those of a slave). Involuntarily I pulled my foot back. I couldn't look at Him. I had betrayed the vision, been unfaithful to my dream ( and thus unfaithful to His plan for my life ).

Sensing my dismay, He placed His hand on my knee and said, " Brennan, do you know what these years together have meant to Me? You were being held even when you didn't believe I was holding you. I love you, my friend."

Tears rolled down my cheeks, "But Lord, my sins, my repeated failures, my weaknesses ....."

" I understand Brennan, I expected more failure from you than you expected from yourself." He smiled. " And you always came back. Nothing pleases Me as much as when you trust Me, when you allow that My compassion is bigger than your sinfulness."

I cried - so loudly that the retreatant in the adjacent room knocked on the door to ask if I was alright.

" Now I'll go, " Jesus said. " I 've just washed your feet. Do the same for others. Serve My people humbly and lovingly. You will find happiness if you do. Peace, my friend."

The unflinching, unwavering love and compassion of Jesus Christ, the stranger to self-hatred, is the ultimate source of our healing and wholeness.

-end-


As I read these words ... I let it sink in ..... prayed that Jesus will touch me in the innermost part ....and He did .... I am loved .... and the tears could not stop flowing ... I cried and cried and cried and let it all out ..... and He was just showering me with His love ... filling me to overflowing until I could not contain it ... and He set me free from the self-hatred which I have been harbouring for so long ... thinking how could He love me .... I was still trying to win His love ... trying to get brownie points for my deeds .... and I was reminded again .... that I dont need to do anything or prove anything for Him to love me ... to want me. There was a sense of freedom and uplifting of the spirit as He continued to minister to my inner man. Jesus, the lover of my soul. My life, my everything, my passion....my all.... Amen


Wednesday, 11 October 2006

Art Akiane

Received this email from a dear friend ... the painting are from Akiane ... the link

Art Akiane ( as received in the emails .... the pictures and wordings )



Upside Down-Inside Out

I painted this painting - allegory about purpose, balance and contentment. While some plants are content who they are and where they are, many are not. Some are artificial plants, some are real, others - artificially real. Then there are plants growing alone or dominating weaker ones. Still others are plain and peaceful. A few see life radically different while they live upside down. Other plants are used for decoration or simply being
knocked down. Some wish to be outside experiencing more changes. Outside the window some plants long to be inside the
house believing it is always safe and warm there. Yet all of us just like plants have different personalities and purposes. We need differences that unite us, not separate. But more than anything, we need light. Without light, we will wither even in the most expensive and beautiful vase.




Joy

Joy is what we all seek.
It is an energy more powerful than food.
But without love we can not feel true joy.

This painting is a study for the painting HOPE




Blessing

This painting is about gratitude in giving and receiving blessings.
Giant petals represent the events and years from the pages of our life book. Dew drops represent live blessings. A young child represents life itself, and the light represents the Creator of life.
Some petals seem to receive fewer blessings than others, but only the whole blossom reveals the meaning of life.
When we feel sad, all we need to do is to count our blessings, no matter how few we notice, so we can feel grateful for what we have been given.
Sadness soon disappears and, in return, we get inspired to bless others.

Start right now

I usually check out Pravsworld for some inspirational stuffs.... I have included the link.

Yup all it takes is the first small step ..... I cant run .... but I can eventually ....if I start by walking now and build it up to a run ..... when I was a baby .... I started by crawling .... then walking with support and the countless times I had fallen on our bottoms ... but I kept picking myself up .... not knowing the full pictures ... I guess it would have been overwhelming for me to ponder when I was a baby .... but the fact was eventhough I kept falling ... I did not stop getting up and I took small steps until I can walk ... I kept on walking and walking and eventually I could run.

Now I am in my late 30s...... I still keep falling but sometimes it takes awhile for me to pick myself up. Today I am at home ... on leave ... trying to study ..... thinking about the exams overwhelms me .... and when I worry about the overall picture .... about the amount of materials I have to store into my brain .... makes me feel so powerless and sometimes I wonder where to start. But today I will start right now ... not worrying about the big picture .... breaking it down into smaller pieces so that eventually I can reach my goal. So today even when I fall again and again I will pick myself up again and again ......


Isaiah 40:31 (Amplified Bible)
Amplified Bible (AMP)

31 But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

Thank You Jesus .... that You are the reason that I live for..... You alone are my source of strength ..... and I am not alone ..... Amen

Monday, 9 October 2006

More pictures from BMW Art Cars





More pictures from the BMW Art Cars ....

More of Hong Kong trip soon

Will start posting the remaining photos of my Hong Kong trip soon .... stay tuned....

Orchids



I met with a friend for dinner last night ...... and she was walking around with this pot of orchid all over the shopping mall while waiting for me ...... she had called earlier that she was gonna get me orchids to keep in my apartment as she was buying some for her dad and uncle. I did not know that it will be this HUGE pot of orchid ....... when I saw her ... I could not stop smiling and she really made my day .... I am still smilling now whenever I look at that pot of orchid in my apartment....

Before you guys jump to conclusions .... we both work in the same department and she already has a boyfriend ....

Anyway we had a nice Thai dinner and we head our separate ways .... I kept the orchid at the passenger side ..on the floor ...... it all smooth sailing when I was driving home but when I was nearing home.... there was a sharp bend while cornering and the pot of orchid started rolling around ...... I was so worried that I "fractured" the orchid ..... phew the orchid was still intact ......

Now I am wondering how to take care of orchids ? She said to just spray water like 3 times a week ... she will even provide the fertilizers ..... She really made my day...

There is no limit


I was readin this post by crewcut75 about breaking free .... and I can really identify with what he wrote .... about breaking free .... breaking from the cage which holds us back .. in the mind .. yes in the mind is where the battle is fought and won or lost.

It all begins with the first step .........

Sunday, 8 October 2006

BMW Art Cars at Galeri Petronas







Went with my friend to shoot some pictures of the BMW Art Cars on display at the Galeri Petronas in KLCC.... it is still on till 22.10.2006

Monday, 2 October 2006

A potrait - TukangTaip







Some of the potraits I took of my friend - tukangtaip at Bukit Jalil Park...... he was kind enough to let me practice my photography skills ... thanks buddy

More pictures at his blog -page 1,page 2 and page 3

I took so many pictures that I lost count