Sunday, 31 December 2006

Happy New Year 2007

Happy New Year to all ... wow the year passed by so fast ...... tomorrow it will be 2007. May all of us have a great year ahead .... may all the desires of our hearts come to pass.... may all our dreams come to true .... forgetting the past and moving on to what is in stored for us in 2007

Take care and God bless .....

PS .... erm I am working on New Year's Eve ..... it is has been like this since I started work as a medical officer. Never had the chance to do the countdown or watch the fire crackers. I am on call in maternity OT today .... I wonder how many New Year's Eve and New Year babies will be borned into this world....... it will be a great year ahead.......

Saturday, 30 December 2006

True Fitness here I come


Well guys .... my sister finally dragged me out of the house to check out some gyms so that I can finally make my dream of having a greek god body into reality. First we went to Fitness First which was situated in Summit but guess what we just could not find the entrance to the Fitness Fitness ... besides I did not like the idea of having to find a parking in Summit and then walking all over the place looking for the entrance.

Next we headed over to True Fitness and one of my close friends who is a member at True Fitness agreed to meet us there to show around and also hopefully can get a better deal. The guy who spoke to us about True Fitness was not pushy and he was really friendly. We went to see the facilities in True Fitness and True Yoga as my sister was interested in joining the yoga sessions only. Overall I felt comfortable at the atmosphere in TF ... there were not loud music blasting from 1st floor onwards. I liked the facilities offered. I like the fact that I could go for all the classes which are offered such as Pilates, BodyJam,etc... maybe I can finally put on my dancing shoes. Parking is not a problem for me as I will be using my bike and it is like 10 mins away from my place. I like the fact that they are open daily from 6 am till 12 midnight which I can use to my advantage due to my odd working hours.

Well finally we sat down and talked about the package. A second guy came to show us the plans and this guy is more pushy than the first but in the end thanks to my friend who is a member we managed to work out a plan which worked for me. I decided to join for 2 years which worked out to about RM 92 per month.

So True Fitness .... here I come !!!!!!

Wednesday, 27 December 2006

Some pictures taken from my church Christmas program






Some pictures taken at my church's Christmas presentation. It was an inhouse production. A musical drama about the significance of Christmas set in the 1950s at Limbok Street. The main theme was centred on this character named Ah Seng who had lost his father when he was young and he blamed God for it and later on when he was a teenager, his girl friend left him as he was being too materialistic instead of being God fearing. This drama talks about his journey back to God and how the love of God can break through any hardened hearts ......

PS .. all pictures taken with EOS 350D with Tamron 28-75 F2.8 lens with custom white balance at ISO 800 with shutter speed of 1/100 with flash 430EX

Tuesday, 26 December 2006

Wake up call

I have been having this headache for a week now .... panadol only gives temporary relieve. Last night I was kept awake by the headache .... this morning when I woke up ... I felt really funny ... headache, neck and shoulder pain.... decided to take my blood pressure and the reading was 190/140 mmHg... I never had any problems with my blood pressure and I have been having regular check ups...but this came as a shock to me and even right now I am still trying to accept it.

I drove to work praying that I wont stroke out along the way.... saw the doctor at the out patient department and was told that I will need to be started on medication after my blood investigations are ready which I will sending this coming morning for all the fasting blood test.

Came home tried to sleep ..... and continued to monitor my blood pressure which was in the range of systolic ( the upper part ) 140-150 and diastolic ( the lower part ) 90-110 mmHg..... it really freaked me out and I had asked my close friend, Haz to stand by to drive me to the hospital if the blood pressure keep climbing up.

Tomorrow I will go see the doctor again and I think I will need to be started medication to control the blood pressure and to do a thorough workup.

This really is a wake up call for me coz I have been procrastinating about joining a gym and taking care of my health. And it also makes me think if I should continue with my masters program if it will create more stress for me ..... so many things suddenly become NOT so important anymore as I had been taking my health for granted. I am praying that God will guide me and show me the right path and the right decision to make ..... do keep me in prayer....

Monday, 25 December 2006

Merry Christmas !!!!!

Jesus is the reason for the season !!!! Merry Christmas !!!!!!

Sunday, 24 December 2006

How does one ???

How does one regain back the focus when all bearings are lost ? How does one regain the passion and interest when they are lost ? How does one continue doing a task where one finds no more meaning in it ? How does one ......

Wednesday, 20 December 2006

No more "Thank You"

Nowadays simple manners such as "Thank you" or "I am sorry" etc is lacking. I was taught as a kid to say "thank you" when people do nice things for us. But sadly it is missing today in the society of fast food, the ME only syndrome, etc.

When I first started working as a doctor .... I had this noble idea of giving my life for the well being of others. I dont mind missing out on my sleep until I am a walking zombie to the point of having an out of body experience... I think if you pinch me at that moment... I wont even feel it, walking around with a distended bladder waiting to explode ( if it happens it will cause another major flash flood or should I say a mini Tsunami) or with an empty stomach the whole day until the point of having fine tremors and sweating and giddiness due to hypoglycaemia ( low blood sugar levels ) and the staff nurse had to tell me to go have my meal ... silly me thinking that "wah the staff nurses actually cared for my well being ... I was so deeply moved ... but on further questioning, the reason the staff nurse told me to eat was so that I wont collapse or else it will be a hassle for them to find another doctor to finish the work !!!!!! Duh !!!!! ) Thus here you know where the mentally that I am a "Hamba Allah" ( a term used to describe one as God's slave... where you have no needs but only live to give and serve to the point of death. ) And over the years, my noble idea had been bashed and eroded with each blow to my ideals. And the real world out there was a culture shock to me when I started working as a doctor. Thus it is easy to build up walls in order to protect yourself from further abuse..... no wonder some people say that doctor are not emotional.

And I had tried not to build too high a wall so that I still remain human and still be able to connect with my patients as I try to put myself in their shoes.... to come to their level... to alleviate fears or anxieties. But once in a while you come across different types of people which had been placed in your life on that day to test you to the limit !!!!! And today I meet this teacher who was in labour ... it is her first pregnancy. Epidural was offered to her to make her labour more bearable and pain free. And since I stepped into the room, she showed me a long long face ( and mind you I still have 24 hours to finish my call ) , she was not in pain. I tried to talk to her. Tried to break the ice. Explained the procedure to her. And proceeded to put in an epidural catheter for her which will deliver the epidural cocktail which will relieve the pain. And after everything was done and the pain taken care of ....... Not a single word from her lips .... No thank you... no nothing ..... If she had the epidural done in the private sector, it will cost her RM 800. Over here in the government, it cost her NOTHING. Anyway I cant control someone's actions but I can definitely control mine. So I gave her a smile and asked her if she feels better. She said the pain is gone and fell asleep.

I remind myself that as long God sees, I am happy. And that in the end of the day, my conscience is clear and that I have done the best for my patients, I can live with myself.......

Tuesday, 19 December 2006

Been busy

Sorry guys if I have been slow in updating as I have been busy trying to sort out things in my life. I have taken lots of pictures which I have to put up. Christmas is coming ....will be busy the whole week until Christmas is over and then in Jan I will move on to a new chapter in my life. Been doing the things that I had always wanted to do these past few days ... meeting up with friends ( had a blogger meeting with chen, jellyfish,will, alicia and agustus), a slow walk around Ikea ( erm not able to do it coz the last time I went, it was like a jungle out there .. kids running around all over the place ), read books on photography, catch up on the tons of book I bought about my Christian walk, to start excising again ( currently on the look out for a gym to join ) ... etc before I start hitting the books again after Christmas ..... will update asap

In the meantime ... Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and may God bless you all :D

Saturday, 16 December 2006

How do you make yourself happy ?

How do you make yourself happy ??? Care to share some pointers ?? Been busy with work again and fatigue is setting in again. In January a new episode in my life will begin and I want to live life to the fullest and really make use of the time that I have. Life is extremely short. Sometimes when I sit down and think too much ..... the world comes crashing in .... Lord give me the courage to move on and not look back and not think of "what if" but to think of "what I can learn and do now"

Tuesday, 12 December 2006

Some pictures taken at Melaka Zoo





Just wanted to share some pictures which I took at Melaka Zoo.....it was a great time of practice for me. Walking around the zoo for 2 hours in the hot sun. Trying out different settings on my camera. All the shoots were taken with my tele zoom lens. No editing done. Just cropped and resized the pics......

Photography had been really relaxing for me since I stopped putting boundaries on myself about what I can and cant do in photography. I just go in the flow and enjoy and capture the moment as long as I am happy.

Monday, 11 December 2006

Back at work

After a long break ... I am finally back at work and I am on call in maternity OT today. I am hoping that it will not be so busy today as I am down with flu and fever......right now am popping in anti histamines and panadol like nobody's business.

Yesterday I received a very early Christmas present from a very dear friend who had lodged himself in a very special place in my heart. I thank God for giving me the brother I never had. It is amazing how He brings 2 people together to reflect His love and care. Yes it is through another human being, we can sense and experience God's love. So bro...thanks for being you and accepting me for who I am. For standing by me when I was not sure of myself and for loving me enough to tell me the truth. Now whenever I feel so alone, I remember that God has given me a brother who is there for me. So bro, have a great Christmas. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. Take care and God bless....

Friday, 8 December 2006

Sunlight ...... light always prevails

Took this picture while I was walking around taking pictures at a park. It reminds me that light always prevails. No matter how dark or bleak the situation is, the light of God always prevails, dispels and penetrates ... infusing us with inner strength and peace and with hope in a hopeless situation.

So easy to lose sight of Him and end up focusing on ourselves and the situation or the problems and forget that He is the Almighty God, the God Who makes a way where there is no way, the God who creates streams in the desert, the God of the impossible. I realise that I have made Him too small in my eyes sometimes. Sometimes I try to put God in a box so that I can understand Him and His way with my human mind which is so finite. But many times .... let me rephrase that ... ALL the time He had managed to blow me off my feet with His ways ..... with His intervention. Truly His ways and understanding is way too high for me to ever comprehend and if He were to explain it to me, I dont think I will understand. Therefore let God be God.

And yes Lord, Your love will always prevail. Even in the midst of loneliness, self hatred, low self esteem, lack of self confidence.... you name it and He will blow you away..... God's love is the ONLY thing which can set us free. He alone can make us complete and set us free.

Wednesday, 6 December 2006

Damnoen Saduak Floating Market


Just a preview of some of the pictures which I took at Damnoen Saduak Floating Market. I will post more after I have got the pictures sorted out and editted. The above 2 pics were not editted ... I just resized the pictures ....

I have been busy these few days after coming back from Bangkok...will try to post more pictures tomorrow

Good night and take k

Monday, 4 December 2006

Last day in Bangkok

I have been in Bangkok since Dec 1st. It was a memorable event to be able to attend my bro's wedding in Thai style in Bangkok on Dec 2nd. Today is the last day and how time flies when you are having fun. When I am back in Malaysia ..... finally I will need to sit down and plan out my next few months.

Will be flying back to Bangkok in the evening flight ...

Thursday, 30 November 2006

A visit to the dentist ... warning not for the faint hearted

Today I went to the dentist ..... with trembling I went to visit the dentist fearing the worst scenario as I had not gone to see a dentist in like years .... lost count already .... scared that I will get bombarded by the dentist concerning the condition of my teeth.

The dentist chair .... this gives me the creeps .... like getting sentenced to ...... u finish the sentence.

An innocent victim waiting to be examined and interogated by the dentist

Free drinking water ???? Hmmmmm


Tools for torture

More tools for torture

Erm ..... aiyak too bad cant run away .... been pinned down to the chair ..... tools of torture in the hands of an expert


The dentist's trophies of erm ..... guess what they are .....

Well I am pleased to inform you guys that I have survived the ordeal and remained intact ..... hehe and now I can show my pearly whites proudly ...

Crossroads part 2


Tomorrow I will be flying to Bangkok .... it had been a busy and tiring one week. Preparing for my brother's wedding which was over on Nov 25th. It took all of us a few days to recover. Some of us (my sister,her best friend and boyfriend) have to work on Mondays. I am fortunate that I am able to take leave until my Bangkok trip.

I needed this break ..... even in the midst of running around preparing for my bro's wedding and recovering from the exhaustion ... one thing remained at the back of my mind..... what should my next move be for the next few months..... and how do I go about doing it so that I can accomplish what I have on my mind. A dear friend reminded me again that it is NOT what I want to do, but what does God want to do in my life. What is His will? What does He say about the situation that I am in ? Have I placed myself in a position to hear His voice? Have I stopped looking at my own abilities, strengths and weaknesses to see the situation through God's eyes ? I hope the find the answer these next few days....because I want to make the next few months count and I want to go in the will of God. I dont want to keep going against an invisible wall and go through the same cycle again. Whatever happens, I thank God for this chance to be moulded and strengthen through what He has allowed in my life inspite of my weaknesses. I will keep going on ... this journey called life and stop to smell the roses that He had planted along the way to remind me of His grace and goodness.

When I look back at what I had gone through these few years since I started my masters program .... there are not regrets ... only praises and "thank you" offered unto God Who has in His mercy and grace enabled me to face the things that had held me back all these years .... He is not done with me yet. I pray that I will be able to walk in step with Him so that I will not miss out what He has instored for me.

I thank Him for my family which remain as my constant support and cheer leader :D and also for the people who had read my blog and have become my dear friends who had supported me and cheered me along ..... yup unexpected friends ... who came at the right time to help me along in this journey. You know who you are .... and you hold a special place in my heart. All praises and glory go to God Who is a giver of good things .... thank You Jesus...

So guys please pray along with me so that I can know what is on His heart for me and that I will go in obedience in His strength and not in my own limited strength ... thanks :D

Sunday, 26 November 2006

Introducing Mr and Mrs Seet




Introducing Mr and Mrs Seet ... my brother got married on 25th November 2006. It was a great event..... till today I am still speechless that my younger brother finally got married and I am so excited and happy for me. I wish them happiness and that the desires of their hearts will come through and I cant wait to hold my first niece/nephew .... hint hint ....

By the time it was over .... all of us were zonked out and we slept the whole day on Sunday. I slept after coming back from church....

More to come later ... stay tuned

Bro just got married

Phew ... it had been exhausting these past few days but it was worth it ..... my younger bro got married yesterday to a lovely girl ..... will post some pics and more of the wedding later ... cheers ..... wow I need massage now .... maybe I will just pop into an OSIM showroom and try out their massage chairs :D

Tuesday, 21 November 2006

On leave for my bro's wedding

My leave starts tomorrow for my bro's wedding .... I am really excited about it ..... but of course at the back of my mind ... I am still thinking of what I should do about my last attempt ... should I go in campus as it will take me some time to get adjusted to the new place or continue in GHKL as I have got used to the place an it is like a 2nd home to me now. I did speak to the head of the department and she is very supportive. So guys do pray for me and pray that I will make the right decision and may His will alone be done.

Ok in the meantime I will just think about my bro's wedding .....

Friday, 17 November 2006

Crossroads

Well guys .... I just got my results and I did not make it again..... will take the few days to think about my future plans ..... Crossroads ....

Do pray for me ... thanks

Thursday, 16 November 2006

Finally I am done

Hey guys thanks for the prayers, support, phone calls, sms, emails, etc ... I am finally done and I am proud of myself .... so from now onwards I am gonna keep myself busy ... photography, wanna take up piano again, gym ...etc ....... and when the results come out tomorrow ..... oh well I will face it when I get there ..... and I think I have a good chance this time. By God's grace .... I did what I could and left the rest in His hands.

Ok I am gonna try to catch the James Bond movie at 6 pm and then go for cell group meeting at 830-1030 pm ... after that gonna go eat lok lok and maybe meet up with a friend later for photoshooting .... hmmm I should try out some night shots ..... so much to do and so little time .... hehe

Ok cya .... Cheers ...

Life is short .... live now to the fullest ... you only got one chance

Tuesday, 14 November 2006

Dedicated to a dear friend ..... you are loved


Josh Groban - Don't give up ( you are loved )

Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can’t hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt
That you hide
When you’re lost inside, I
I’ll be there to find you

Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can’t hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

You are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world

Don’t give up
Everyone needs to be loved

You are loved



I have just completed my theory papers today ... tomorrow I will be having my vivas on Wed and Thurs. And I will free as a bird by Thursday afternoon ... yippeee..... after the theory exams ... a few of us met up and go our brains fried by practising viva with one another till evening and we had dinner together.... there is so much I dont know ... or rather what I know is ALL jumbled up there in my brain now .... hopefully tomorrow it will all be systemically arranged waiting to be poured out in front of the examiner but whatever the outcome .... I am much happier and the peace of God guards my heart and mind.

But what have been bugging me was a dear friend who is also sitting for exams with me ..... both of us had failed before and we are now going for the 3rd attempt. It is not easy to maintain the same intensity when we are reading the same stuffs over and over again and yet still dont remember much of it ..... duh ....anyway I thank God that this experience had made me stronger and He had made me face things about myself which I normally would have just swept under the rug ..... and that experience is worth it and priceless ....

Well back to my friend. She asked me "Will you still love me if I dont make it as specialist? Will you still be my friend? People will look at me different if I dont make it? I am such a failure.... I am hopeless" It just cuts my heart to see my friend like that because that was exactly what I went through and by His grace .... He had showed me that all that matters is what God thinks of me. It really hurt me to see my friend like that .... she is actually a bubbly person .... funny...gorgeous ( she thinks she is the ugly ducking)..... and a sincere friend. I am surprised that sometimes that this masters program could do this to her ..... made her doubt herself. Look down on herself...... and I told her that just because you dont make it as a specialist, it does not mean that you are a failure. You are already a doctor. Maybe this is just not meant for you. And if you have friends who ignore you just because you did not make it as a specialist ...then they are not true friends at all .......I can see all that I am trying to tell her is falling on deaf ears because she was too caught up in her plight .... not seeing a way out ... only a dead end.

And to my friend.... my love, support and prayers goes out to you. And I will stand by your side, come what may because you are loved for who you are ... not what you are. And I pray that someday you will be able to see that you are precious and a gem of a person and dont let anyone or anything ever make you feel like a failure or worthless. Because you are loved.

And today I say a prayer for you ...... and I dedicate this song to you ...... you are loved ...


Monday, 13 November 2006

Kit Kat Ice Cream

No wonder I am getting fatter nowadays during my exams .... junk food, ice cream, whatever to keep my sugar high so that my brain can function but then my waist also increasing ..... duh ..... seriously need to go to the gym...

Anyway just wanted to share about this little kit kat sticking out of an ice cream ... innovative idea .... coz Kit Kat is my favorite chocolate and now you can have it together with an ice cream .... so before I eat it up though I will just snap a pic to share with u guys ... how yummy it looks....

Verdict .... go get one now !!!!

PS had to use that red cover to stop the ice cream from rolling around so I could take the pic....

KFC - original flavour

Just came back from sitting for one of my papers and suddenly had a craving for KFC ... actually been dreaming about it since last night but it was too late to get. So today I went ahead and got myself a dinner place consists of 3 pieces of KFC .... yummy ..... this is one of the simple things in life which I take pleasure in ..... cant wait to sink my teeth into the drumstick....

Ok guys .... gonna chow down the KFC .... cheers and have a great day......

By the way which flavor do u like ? Original or Hot and Spicy ?

Sunday, 12 November 2006

When do I stop?

When do I stop ? When do I call it quits ? When all the passion and motivation have gone ? When I have lost the focus and the direction in the things I used to enjoy doing ? When do I say that this is not for me ? When will I wake up to the fact that I am going against an invisible wall ? Is there shame in admitting that this is not for me ? Or is it courage to finally face the truth and move on to something else ............

Yippee ... added labels in Blogger

Hi guys ... I have added labels in my blog .... so you can just click right away on different labels to get to the postings ..... will sort all the posting after my exams .... for now the newer entries will be labeled.

Have a great day.....

Cheers

Saturday, 11 November 2006

Josh Groban - AWAKE




I have been following Josh Groban's career since he launched his first album and all I can say is GO BUY THIS NEW ALBUM NOW !!!!!! He keeps getting better with each new release ...... wow
Ok enough said .... you can buy the internet edition only from here. Check out his website.

Mom's cookies of love

As my brother's wedding is just around the corner.... mom and sis started baking cookies to be given as door gifts to the guests who will be attending my bro's wedding ...... yup a mother's love always never cease to amaze me ..... the cookies are heart shaped :)

PS These are cheese cookies sprinkled with ground nuts on top ...yummy

Wednesday, 8 November 2006

Amazed


Phillips Craig & Dean - Amazed Song Lyrics


You dance over me,
While I am unaware.
You sing all around,
But I never hear the sound.
Lord, I'm amazed by you
Lord, I'm amazed by you
Lord, I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For you hold me in your hand
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
How wide, how deep, how great, is your love for me.
How wide, how deep, how great, is your love for me.

Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me.
Lord you love me.



This song has been playing since morning when I got up this morning..... just a couple days more before my exams...... as usual so many thoughts going through my mind ... like I should have prepared earlier, why is the cycle repeating itself, why am I still stuck, what will people think, will I make it this time, do I have to go through this again ??? ..... etc etc ...... it is easy to just give in to self pity and dwell in it and waste whatever precious time I have left.... though I might not make it again this time ...but the lessons learned it worth the struggle. As I was trying to analyse where I had gone wrong in how I am approaching this Masters program, how I am dealing with my studies and life and how to go about squeezing whatever material left into my degenerating brain ..... this song came ..... and then I realised that I don't need to have all the answers .... that I need not be perfect .... and that He alones holds the answers ... He alone matters ...... and all I could do was worship Him .... to tell Him that I am amazed and that I loved Him.... yes I am amazed .... that He dances over me .... He gets so excited over me..... while I am unaware ... while I am so caught up in my own life struggles ... He dances over me telling me how much He loves me with all my weaknesses and failures and faults ....and that it is OK .... yes it is ok .... He whispers gently into my heart .. " It is ok Son, stop struggling. Stop trying to be someone you are not. Stop hating yourself or blaming yourself. Stop thinking about the past. I love you my Son. It is ok." And the tears will not stop flowing like a dam broken .... He is cleansing and healing me in my deepest part ......... healing begins ........ yes finally ..... finally..... it is ok..... it really is ......

Monday, 6 November 2006

Emptiness



Just a couple days more to go ....but suddenly today I feel so empty ... so alone .....

Wednesday, 1 November 2006

Pray for me

Hey guys ...do keep me in prayer

Exams in another 10 days but my mind seems to be wandering around .... oppss

So please pray for peace, discipline and perseverance and confidence .....

Thanks alot

Cheers

Over and out

Monday, 30 October 2006

Back in 1988

Today is 30th October ..... tomorrow will be my birthday, another 13 days I will face the same exam again and another 25 days my brother will be married to the one he loves and cherishes. So many things wanna grab my attention this next few weeks .... but today on 30th October 2006 ... I remember that 18 years back I gave my heart away..... yup I gave my heart away to Jesus Who gave my back my life..... Who turned my life around .... so today I will look back at how far He has brought me and I look forward to walking tth rest of life with Him....the lover of my soul ... the One Who I adore and worship ... Amen.

Thursday, 26 October 2006

Will I find her one day ?

Picture taken with my 350D when I was having coffee with tukangtaip today at Kopitiam. Since he was snapping pictures with his S3 IS ... I thought I will snap along. 2 guys snapping away a bunch of roses .... haha ... it was fun.

Anyway back to what I wanna post about today. Today while driving back from work .... suddenly it hit me, that all the girls that I like, girls who I am comfortable with and who meets my criteria to be my special one .... have already been married or am already dating someone. Hmmm how come I am always a step too late. And these are the girls who can freeze me when they look into my eyes and I get tongue tied and am speechless.... and it happened to me again. There is this lady who I have just got to know very well recently. We can talk for hours. She is very independent and a very hands on kind of person. Feminine yet tough when the need arises. Always encouraging. Gentle at heart. Soft spoken. Never fussy. Just perfect .... and just the kind of girl I am looking for. When she looks at me... I am speechless. She is someone who I can never lie to ... someone who I can never say "no" to. But I guess I am a step too late again... she is already dating someone.

So there the story of my life ..... hopefully someday I will find her and I will not be too late.

Saturday, 21 October 2006

How badly do I want it ?

The holiday season is here. Happy Deepavali to all my Indian friends and Selamat Hari Raya to my Malay friends..... but I will be working during the holiday as usual. I will be working this Sunday and the coming Tuesday and also running rooms for the semi emergency cases as most of my friends "balik kampung" (travel back to hometown)....it has been a usual routine for me since I started working in the government hospital... but I do get my days off during Christmas and Chinese New Year.

Today I was posted in the PM shift in the Neuro OT... it is usually on Friday when the surgeons try to finish off the cases before the weekend. So today I took over a case of anuerysm. My shift started at 2 pm and will last until the case is completed...

Since my exams are nearing ... I have been receiving offers by the specialists for viva sessions .... yup GHKL is busy but we have some great people in the department. I am really glad and grateful for the guidance and help which had been offered by my specialists....we all work really hard.

As I was busy trying to write down the answer to a question given to me by my specialist .... in my mind .... only 3 weeks left .... there are still so many holes to plug up ... still so much to cover ... keep forgetting what I have read ages ago...... as I was trying to squeeze my brain for whatever juice was left in it ... my specialist suddenly walked up to me and said this " You must want it so bad ... you must want it so bad to be a specialist that you will do anything for it ... dont do it for your specialist or your family or anyone but YOURSELF..... coz if you dont want it bad enough, you will really struggle alot.

Suddenly a light just lit up in my mind .... like EUREKA !!!!!! ... I see the light .... I see the light. I thought of the times when I wanted something bad enough I will do anything just to get it ... I will make the effort..make the time .... and I will make the sacrifice and I will not settle for anything less...... then I started seeing myself in my current situation .... did I want to be a specialist so badly that I will do anything ... anything to be one ... or was it que sera sera .. whatever will be .. will be .... I did some soul searching ... realised that I have not placed a value to it in order for me to want it so badly. But right now .... after much thought ... yes I do want it badly ...... and the rest will follow .....what a relevation .... thank You Jesus ...

Thursday, 19 October 2006

More after November 2006 or it is the end ?

Hi guys .... sorry for the infrequent updates at my blog .... to tell you the truth .... dont know what to blog about nowadays as there are alot of things on my mind. The exams in November ... then my brother's wedding end of November..... then flying to Bangkok for the wedding (female side) ..... etc

Maybe after November will update more about what's happening in my life .... or maybe I will stop this blog ..... will think about it later end of November when I have more time on my hands ...

So thanks for dropping by ... take care and God bless

Signing off for now

Sunday, 15 October 2006

Because He lives


Because He lives

God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal, and forgive.
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain.
And then as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!

Lyrics: William and Gloria Gaither

A church to call home

Went to church today in KL .... and the sermon was about "Friendship".... I was sitting there and listening .....it is easy to preach but to actually put it into practice is another thing. Whenever I am free I will drive back home in Seremban to attend my church which I have been attending for about 18 years. Yup I have attended that church since I accepted Christ .... since He came and turned my world around .... yes He is the centre of my being...and always will be.

I have been trying to find a church to call home here in KL but after one and a half years I still have not found the church to call home. Most of the time I am on call working 24 hours in the hospital on the weekends ... if I worked on Saturday, I will try to go to church on Sunday morning but end falling asleep throughout the service as many times I only managed to catch a short nap during my on calls. The church back in Seremban ... the pastors and leaders ... by God's grace ... God had opened a door for me to serve as a cell group leader and also in the music ministry inspite of my busy work schedule ... that is because they had seen me grown all these years. When I first attended the church back home .. I was only a teenager. They were with me thick and thin when I was doing my grade 12 in Canada and later on medicine in India.

But today nearing the end of the service in KL.... someone came up to me and really gave it to me ...

It goes like this

Sis : Isk isk
Me : Why isk isk ? You should be happy to see me ... ( I gave a big smile )
Sis : Yeah but I can count the numbers that you attend church with my fingers
Me : I have been busy with my work and I was on call ( guess what - I am on call again next Sunday- duh ...that is why I do look forward to going to church to workship God and fellowship which I am not getting any here in KL ). When I am free I will go back home for the weekends to see my parents and attend church back home
Sis : I dont believe in long distance relationship. Why are you not attending cell group ?
Me : I am sorry I have been busy. Please understand. I go back home because I feel that I dont really fit in here
Sis : You are not making enough effort
Me : I think I have done what I can within my means ( the truth was I had called and sms to try to meet up with some of the members whenevr I was free but I guess we just did not click. In the end I decided that I will continue to attend church in KL to get the teachings and worship)
Sis : You are not making enough effort and when you are not here it is difficult to know you
Me : I am here during the weekdays ... we can contact via phone and sms and I have told you about my blog so that you will know what is happening in my life.
Sis : I am not into all these techno stuffs ( she used to send me encouraging emails ... but not anymore)
Me : Please understand
Sis : You need to attend here more often and also the cell group and not go back to your home church so often

(Does the number of times you attend church or cell group or whatever meetings makes u more Christian ??? Thank God He alone sees my heart and how I am trying to go to church whenever I have the opportunity)

There is more but I can only remember as it all happened so fast. To tell you the truth, it really cut real deep ..... and it makes me think ... I have been here in KL for about one and a half years and how many friends can I actually call up when I need brother/sister to pray with or just to fellowship or just to have a teh tarik with. I ended up having more friends from a photography forum that I have joined recently. Do Christians really make better friends or are we more hard on one another ??? Are we more indifferent to one another ? I am a stranger here in KL and still looking for a church to call my home....will you open up your heart to let me in ? To make me feel part of the clan/family.

My work had been hectic......having to study also is also another thing which demands my time. I miss my friends in Indian and back home whom I can be myself with ... with no mask ... no pretense ... I can just be myself ... with all my warts and all .... and I miss them so much.

But I am not in despair because in the end .. I do have a best friend and His name is Jesus ... the One who will stand by my side when the world turns its back on me. He had seen the lonely days, the longings in my heart, the hurts and because He loves me .... I can keep on loving and putting on a smile on my face ... because He loves me... yes that is the only reason... I am still attending this church in KL ... until He leads me to another church where I can grow and serve. Thank You Jesus.

Friday, 13 October 2006

You are loved (Don't give up)


You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) - Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy
I, I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I, I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I, I'll be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I, I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Aaaah
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard
You are loved



This song has been playing over and over again in my mind since I first heard it when I was driving to work one morning..... some of my friends have quit the masters program.....I was still contemplating about it initially .... not anymore.

This song was playing again today as I was still giving gas for my elective case ... it was already 630pm... I still have not done the pre operative rounds for the orthopaedic cases tomorrow. I have an appointment with a specialist for some viva practice. Normally I would have been thinking when will I be done so that I can get out of the hospital to go home. But today ... surprisingly ... I did not mind staying back to do the things that I like ... that I have a passion for ... yup you heard it right, the spark of passion is growing again..... God touched me deep inside last night .....

I was reading this book " A glimpse of Jesus" by Brennan Manning

Here is what he wrote :

During an extended silent retreat in Tampa, Florida, some years ago, I was reading the Scriptures in my room at the Franciscan Retreat Centre. The subtle dominion of self-hatred had returned, and I was back on the rollercoaster ride of perfectionist depression, neurotic guilt, and emotional instability. The despotic power of my idealized self and the nagging litany of "I should have, I could have, I ought to have, Why did I? Why did I?" had persuaded me that my life and minstry were vitiated by vanity, insensitivity, and self centredness.

At that very moment Jesus set me free.

Praying over the passage of the washing of the feet ( John 13:1-17), I was suddenly transported in faith into the Upper Room, where I took Judas' place among the Twelve. The Servant, Who had tied a towel round his waist, poured water from the a pitcher into a copper basin and reached out to wash my feet (the dress and duty those of a slave). Involuntarily I pulled my foot back. I couldn't look at Him. I had betrayed the vision, been unfaithful to my dream ( and thus unfaithful to His plan for my life ).

Sensing my dismay, He placed His hand on my knee and said, " Brennan, do you know what these years together have meant to Me? You were being held even when you didn't believe I was holding you. I love you, my friend."

Tears rolled down my cheeks, "But Lord, my sins, my repeated failures, my weaknesses ....."

" I understand Brennan, I expected more failure from you than you expected from yourself." He smiled. " And you always came back. Nothing pleases Me as much as when you trust Me, when you allow that My compassion is bigger than your sinfulness."

I cried - so loudly that the retreatant in the adjacent room knocked on the door to ask if I was alright.

" Now I'll go, " Jesus said. " I 've just washed your feet. Do the same for others. Serve My people humbly and lovingly. You will find happiness if you do. Peace, my friend."

The unflinching, unwavering love and compassion of Jesus Christ, the stranger to self-hatred, is the ultimate source of our healing and wholeness.

-end-


As I read these words ... I let it sink in ..... prayed that Jesus will touch me in the innermost part ....and He did .... I am loved .... and the tears could not stop flowing ... I cried and cried and cried and let it all out ..... and He was just showering me with His love ... filling me to overflowing until I could not contain it ... and He set me free from the self-hatred which I have been harbouring for so long ... thinking how could He love me .... I was still trying to win His love ... trying to get brownie points for my deeds .... and I was reminded again .... that I dont need to do anything or prove anything for Him to love me ... to want me. There was a sense of freedom and uplifting of the spirit as He continued to minister to my inner man. Jesus, the lover of my soul. My life, my everything, my passion....my all.... Amen


Wednesday, 11 October 2006

Art Akiane

Received this email from a dear friend ... the painting are from Akiane ... the link

Art Akiane ( as received in the emails .... the pictures and wordings )



Upside Down-Inside Out

I painted this painting - allegory about purpose, balance and contentment. While some plants are content who they are and where they are, many are not. Some are artificial plants, some are real, others - artificially real. Then there are plants growing alone or dominating weaker ones. Still others are plain and peaceful. A few see life radically different while they live upside down. Other plants are used for decoration or simply being
knocked down. Some wish to be outside experiencing more changes. Outside the window some plants long to be inside the
house believing it is always safe and warm there. Yet all of us just like plants have different personalities and purposes. We need differences that unite us, not separate. But more than anything, we need light. Without light, we will wither even in the most expensive and beautiful vase.




Joy

Joy is what we all seek.
It is an energy more powerful than food.
But without love we can not feel true joy.

This painting is a study for the painting HOPE




Blessing

This painting is about gratitude in giving and receiving blessings.
Giant petals represent the events and years from the pages of our life book. Dew drops represent live blessings. A young child represents life itself, and the light represents the Creator of life.
Some petals seem to receive fewer blessings than others, but only the whole blossom reveals the meaning of life.
When we feel sad, all we need to do is to count our blessings, no matter how few we notice, so we can feel grateful for what we have been given.
Sadness soon disappears and, in return, we get inspired to bless others.

Start right now

I usually check out Pravsworld for some inspirational stuffs.... I have included the link.

Yup all it takes is the first small step ..... I cant run .... but I can eventually ....if I start by walking now and build it up to a run ..... when I was a baby .... I started by crawling .... then walking with support and the countless times I had fallen on our bottoms ... but I kept picking myself up .... not knowing the full pictures ... I guess it would have been overwhelming for me to ponder when I was a baby .... but the fact was eventhough I kept falling ... I did not stop getting up and I took small steps until I can walk ... I kept on walking and walking and eventually I could run.

Now I am in my late 30s...... I still keep falling but sometimes it takes awhile for me to pick myself up. Today I am at home ... on leave ... trying to study ..... thinking about the exams overwhelms me .... and when I worry about the overall picture .... about the amount of materials I have to store into my brain .... makes me feel so powerless and sometimes I wonder where to start. But today I will start right now ... not worrying about the big picture .... breaking it down into smaller pieces so that eventually I can reach my goal. So today even when I fall again and again I will pick myself up again and again ......


Isaiah 40:31 (Amplified Bible)
Amplified Bible (AMP)

31 But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

Thank You Jesus .... that You are the reason that I live for..... You alone are my source of strength ..... and I am not alone ..... Amen

Monday, 9 October 2006

More pictures from BMW Art Cars





More pictures from the BMW Art Cars ....

More of Hong Kong trip soon

Will start posting the remaining photos of my Hong Kong trip soon .... stay tuned....

Orchids



I met with a friend for dinner last night ...... and she was walking around with this pot of orchid all over the shopping mall while waiting for me ...... she had called earlier that she was gonna get me orchids to keep in my apartment as she was buying some for her dad and uncle. I did not know that it will be this HUGE pot of orchid ....... when I saw her ... I could not stop smiling and she really made my day .... I am still smilling now whenever I look at that pot of orchid in my apartment....

Before you guys jump to conclusions .... we both work in the same department and she already has a boyfriend ....

Anyway we had a nice Thai dinner and we head our separate ways .... I kept the orchid at the passenger side ..on the floor ...... it all smooth sailing when I was driving home but when I was nearing home.... there was a sharp bend while cornering and the pot of orchid started rolling around ...... I was so worried that I "fractured" the orchid ..... phew the orchid was still intact ......

Now I am wondering how to take care of orchids ? She said to just spray water like 3 times a week ... she will even provide the fertilizers ..... She really made my day...