I am waiting to do a case from ICU. Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to be anaesthetist. Is this what I will be doing for my entire life ? I guess I am still trying to get over my past exams and to start afresh to move on with my life. Many thoughts going through my mind. There are people around me who are trying to encourage me but there are some unconsciously I guess who meant well but ended up making me more discouraged. I really feel so stupid and inadequate. Thus right now I am at a crossroad again. I really dont want to re sit for the exams again if I dont make it at the second attempt ... oh well I will face it when I get there. I am trying to get over it but it is at the back my mind ... the thought lingers on ... Did I do the right thing joining this masters program? Will I be prepared for the second attempt? Well I can answer the first question... I do like what I do and I enjoy giving safe and effective anaesthesia to my patients. The second question I am not so sure. I thought spending a few days in Melaka will help me to finally get over things but the thought lingers on. Will I be prepared ? I already started to worry that I might not have enough time as I will be busy with my few rotations as I will be Paediatrics OT on Dec, Paediatrics ICU in Jan, General ICU in Feb, Maternity in March and maybe general OT in April. My exams will be in early May.
Maybe I already know the answer. I will face it when I get there. I will try my best and do whatever is in my strength but the rest I will leave it in God's hands because He alone holds the future. Therefore this thought that lingers on, I am submitting it over to God. Lord may You speak peace into my heart and mind. Yes I walk around with a smile one my face and appear to be happy go lucky, but there are many "dugaan" (trials/testing) in my life, and by God's grace I will face it and overcome.